Today I got up early on my half day, the day I usually get to sleep in, I went to Brookside shopping center to do my weekly shop, bought a adsl 2 filter for my house, and a new pair of underwear… I get home and find out that the underwear does not fit me even though it’s the same size as all my other underwear… and the adsl filter fits the phone outlet at my old house and not this one…. So I say fuck it I’m not going to go to the gym I’d rather play a video game and go tomorrow morning, head into work and for some reason agree to work a shift at a store I have no idea where, and what’s more its not even connected to the train line… then I get confronted by someone at work who in not these exact words tells me I’m cheating on my pregnant girlfriend with someone from deli… WTF! I told her she had her shit wrong, for starters my girlfriend has the rod in her arm that stops her from getting pregnant, and secondly I had no idea who the hell she was talking about in deli. I get home and find that my new RAM has arrived yay! So I mess around for a while… and now for no discernable reason it does not even work, so I mess around with it for a while longer, realize now that its to late to even bother trying to go to the gym tomorrow, that was $80 spent wisely.

Am I missing something? I must be so out of the loop at the moment, perhaps I’m just not paying attention to things I should be… I’m not sure.

You know sometimes I feel pretty ordinary.

(Please forgive grammatical and spelling errors, as I am really hung over lol)

Before we start let me sum up what exactly the Santa pub crawl is; a large bunch of like minded people get dressed up in the same cloths (like a gang, or an army) preferably red because it is the fastest color, and go and ransack a large number of bars, carrying off there liqueur, and there women, they manage to do all this while mass jay walking and the law looks the other way.

Bar1
I get lost on my way to the bar but fortunately there was a rather large group of Santa’s walking in a similar direction a few blocks away, so I manage to attach myself to them without being noticed, we get to the bar and I realizes this must be the other group because I fail to recognize anyone, I attempt to befriend a few people but I keep getting them mixed up because of there fake facial hair and similar suits, its like ‘hi again Mick! Oh wait your not Mick sorry…’
I recognize one person from work ‘Amanda’ but everyone was still not lucid enough to talk shit with me because this was like the first bar.
A scuffle breaks out near by and I get a beer spilled on me before I even get my first drink, and a guy who is extremely smashed and can’t even talk comes up and starts rubbing against my leg and saying I have the best Santa had, I have a feeling he was looking for a fight, because all his mates were standing around…. A few beers later and me getting accosted again by the same wanker (and coming close to knocking out that fools teeth) finally my group shows up and a few more familiar faces appear ‘Nick’, ‘Oscar’, ‘Josh’ ‘Rail’, ‘Ryan’, about a drink later we all move out for the next bar.

Transit to bar 2
An army of red rolls out of the bar, a group of Santa’s are singing the Cocomo really badly and a few others strangely enough are singing Adam Green lyrics, everyone successfully manages to mass jaywalks, no joke, a large cluster of Santa’s stepped out in front of traffic like three times.

Bar2
I walk in to a sea of Santa’s lined up at the bar to get a drink, after standing in the line for like fifteen minutes I decide that there is no desert dryer than this bar, ten minutes later I get to the bar, I forget my order so I do the natural thing and order a tequila slammer… now this is where I hate Australia and there crappy bar edicate, he does not give me a tequila slammer, he gives me a shot, a slice of lemon, and some salt… that’s not what I asked for jerk but you can’t help the ignorance that has been enforced on you by all the people who seem to think that is what a tequila slammer is…. Anyway I decide that a jug is what I need to calm my nerves but all the jugs have been taken by smart people who don’t want to line up again lol, so I make my way to the beer garden passing an old punter on stage grunting out raunchy lyrics to Christmas tunes, he was wearing an Santa hat, but I’m not sure if he was with us or if that way his stage outfit lol.
In the beer garden myself, Oscar, and Josh manage to make a scene singing Adam green really loudly while the group behind us lights up a phatty an starts giggling …. The call to move out is made.

Bar3
I get there and promptly order a jug (I did not want to be stuck in a freaking line for the rest of the night), I sit next to a Santa in a military jacket, first thing I do is start making full metal jacket quotes (god that is a good movie, I recommend it) and he starts quoting back, so I suggest to Oscar that he really needs ‘born to kill’ written on his Santa hat, Nick gets ‘thunder struck’ on his, and I get ‘Jessica**heart** Simpson’ on mine (its an Adam green joke if you don’t get it, you don’t get it) I get asked a large number of times if I like her, and respond with ‘no I hate her she has got it all wrong’ I remember one girl asking me and I told ‘her’ that ‘she’ had it all wrong…. Nick manages to foist the guitar off the live band, gets up on stage and drags some of his friends up there and they belt out a few pub anthems, Nick was good, his singers weren’t lol… the bell is rung and everyone cheers, the military guy stands up and yells ‘MOVE OUT!’.

Transit to bar 4
A few others and myself run ahead and start drunkenly greeting everyone we pass with wishes of merry Xmas and etc when we arrive at the bar we promptly get kicked out, simply because of past years, they did not want a large group of Santa’s making a ruckus and ruining there local business… fools.. so we continued on to bar 5

Bar5/transit to bar6
I’m first in the door, first to order my jug, I even warned the bar staff of what was to come lol, I sit down… nick comes and joins for a few seconds before he is swept away by groupies (female fans of his display of mad guitar skills at the last bar), he promptly fails with them and rejoins me who at the time was having a discussion about women with Amanda, we were talking about how women crave appreciation but will settle for attention… I think it might have degenerated from there because I can’t clearly recall what happened next, the beers were finally starting to take hold lol… I think I located an African America Santa, and had a bit of a racism rant with him, I think it ended on a positive note something like ‘people are people man, and people should accept people for that’ I’m not sure, I know I said people a lot because he said it a few and I started trying to fit it in wherever possible… lol…. Anyway the next time I look up I’m at a different bar…

Bar6/transit
I’m not really sure how I got there or where I was, I know that I joined the collective and mass jay walked a few times but that’s it… I wondered up some stairs but there were private functions going up there… but one of the Santa’s is ‘dude we got an invite come on’… next thing I know we are on the roof… drinking…. Something… uhh not sure about that…. And being a jerk to Oscar about the time I got my ass kicked on his behalf lol… sorry about that Oscar. And I dropped my ring… seriously it just disappeared, and incidentally Ryan disappeared at the same time… so I was all gawd damn it he must have snatched it…. So I ran to catch up… I’m not sure how this went down… I didn’t want to be a jerk about it, and when he said he did not have it I let it go… still a bit pissed off about it actually that was my favorite ring… so at this point I was ‘dude your drunk enough to drop something and not be able to find it you need food’ I grabbed Nick, asked him if he knew were we were going then dragged him off to the pancake manor because I wanted some waffles lol.. I get there funnily enough vanilla is working this shift, Nick and I order our food… I’m halfway through eating when I realize I only have five dollars left… and that the last train home leaves in like ten minutes … so I throw all my change at nick lol… I hope he was able to pay, told him I would pay him back and sprint for the train.

Going home
I get to the train station only to find that I missed it by like 3 minutes lol, I’m out of cash so there is no point going back to the pub crawl and I basically have no cheap way to get home lol…. So I catch a train to Bowen hills, spend all of my phone credit on hold trying to get a taxi… and start walking…. I got pretty seriously lost because I have no idea how to get home from Bowen hills, I tried to follow the train tracks, but lost them… eventually a cabbie took pity on me and picked me up.. he informed me I was going the wrong way and that I would have ended up in Hamilton… I decided to be honest with him and say that all my cash was at home lol… he really did not like that, he demanded to hold my phone and the digital camera as ransom till he got his fee.. I should not blame him, he is what society has made him, I staggered out of the cab, dropped all my stuff, had so much trouble getting the key in the door, I was so anxious that he was just going to piss off with the camera because I was taking so long, tripped over the couch .. got the money to him… got my shit back… and passed out for a while on the porch….all in all.. a good night lol.

Yeah so… you know how you can lay next to your partner while they sleep and look up at ceiling and feel like you’re on the other side of the world….. like you talk to them, when you see them in the morning but you don’t really ‘talk’…

So I have not seen Tash in a long time… well I have seen her… its just a few weeks back I had a really bad week, old real estate threatening me with legal action if I did not pay the money owed.. even though I did not owe them the money crystal and jay and the other guy did… and even though I had already personally paid more than half the amount owed even though Tash and Vanilla were on the lease as well, I have now paid more than three quarters myself… I kept them out of court, and then I got done for pissing in public, and I was having a really shit week at work, some guy who I thought I was friends with took a joke badly and was threatening me and shit… the dog pissed in my bed twice, and I had no new sheets because it was raining all week… and the rain makes me really sad so I did not get much sleep, and I got done for no ticket on the train, I really hated myself and my job, and was so lost in the what to do area… it all piled up and I got really withdrawn and depressed for about three weeks, what with the pending court case and everything like that, I told Tash that I would probably be better after the case, and after I cleared the debt to the old realestate, she told me it was all good because she would be getting some of her weekends off because of TAFF, actually now that I think about it she probably wont get them all off because she has to work at some stage as well….. well that’s also shit… but yeah so most of my stuff got sorted out on Thursday, I finished paying my/our debt, I went to court, and I got a door barrier to stop the fucking dog pissing in my room… they decided to have a party on Friday, I was all… ok cool I can’t get one on one with Tash at a party she is hosting it would make ppl feel uncomfortable plus I would be taking there friend away, then fucking her ex boyfriend shows up, the one who apparently dose not hate me, its debatable since I have not seen him since I started going out with Tash…. Lets not get into that, but yeah no one told me, I was cool with it, just I whish one of the three people who had known had had the courtesy to warn me… so I distanced myself even more knowing that I would get so see her that sat or Sunday… then she next morning asks to borrow money so she can fuck off to a medieval fair for the whole weekend with her sister… so I give it to her…. She gets back and goes straight to sleep… then gets up early and goes to TAFF… I get home she’s asleep… then tonight she went to Adams to play board games….. then I come home tonight and freya is all ‘dan you should go to jaspers tomorrow night’ and I’m all ‘I had no intention of going, I wanted to have a quite week with no going out and trying to see Tash a little, why are you trying to get me out of the way?’ she’s all ‘well Tash said she would sleep in my room with me tomorrow night if your not here so you should go see jasper because if you’re here she will want to sleep in your bed’ now before you jump to conclusions these girls are not lesbians, they are close because they have known each other for a long time, and I think Freya is really lonely and would like the company.. but still that was like a massive fuck you… so I smiled and said sure whatever… in my head I said fuck you bitch… but sure whatever… I might see Tash on Thursday or Friday, its unlikely though.. and come the weekend she will either be working or going to her friends 21st…. then we are back into the week.. next weekend after that I go to the coast…… if she complains I’m going to tell her go and fuck herself because in her whole month of TAFF she has not put aside one time to really spend time with me… if it gets to that point without here putting some time away for us to chill and talk I don’t know be close, not necessarily in a sexual way (I don’t really mind) because you can have sex and still not be close to someone I’m going to tell her to go sleep in her own bed….

For some reason my computer simply blacked out and reset on whole pages of my thinkings, so I am going to try to put back together what I said, but sadly I just wasted a whole hour of my life……
Actually its late, and what I had to say was really fucking profound and important… I think fate somehow transpired for me not to do this, I cant explain why my computer switched off, it just suddenly did, no other power went out… funny I open word for the first time in ages and this happens… fucking computers… its to late now and I have to get up to early…. Fuck that happening because I was in a zone and cannot for the life of me remember it.. I can tell you the basis of my glass theses though…

The glass is nether half full or half empty it is simply in a transitional state between the two, and since change is constant and unavoidable it shall soon be full or empty…. But then if empty it will most likely be refilled. Just like life loops I guess, everything has a way of repeating, regenerating, happening again, even the basic matter produced from when we die goes on to do other things in our environment….. but what happens when the water source runs out… and that reinforces my theary that everything without exception comes to an end if you give it enough time, perhaps even time itself will end if everything it effects stops existing…. And no matter what this day (good or bad) will come to an end with or without you….. helps me get….aww whatever fuck this.

the dog did it again yesterday.... and once more today...

My journal is broken (full) so I am forced to try to vent myself online where I am splayed in front of people to judge.. sigh. It was easier when I could simply believe that writing in my journal was an outlet of creative energies, something to calm me, to give me a sense of purpose, now it simply suits to frustrate and anger me…
You would think that a massive upheaval in life would change something about me, but I suppose I stepped right into it knowing one place was pretty much the same as the other… still I expected there to be some change within me, if not without at least.
I have decided once again, I have no skills or abilities, no beneficial attributes, the few that I was convincing myself that I had I have come to realize … well I don’t have, I was kidding myself to say the least… I am here by renouncing my ability to sing, I no longer can sing nor retain the opinion of being able to sing.. I see the pointlessness of life and am contented in the fact that it is pointless and I shall live it through weather I like it or not, without any point, longings or aspirations, just be like everybody else because they don’t seem to have such a hard time appreciating how ‘void’ of point life really is, and the others have there pretty dreams to help them sleep at night, the conviction that everything in there life really is working towards something. I am now content with the idea of death, I could die now, or in the future at some time, it don’t really matter because we all go eventually, and I accept it whether or not there is something out there after death.
Well in the least giving up my childish fantasies might give me the drive to go do something more achievable in life.. hell I would cut out my own tong if it would give me achievable goal in life that satisfied me, but I’m not into self mutilation no more… or I could just sit here and waste away my life doing blissful nothings until something cataclysmic kills me or turns me towards something else in life besides blissful nothings, only problem is if I chose the path of blissful nothings I must get rid of people around me who are adversely effected by my actions, friends, family, and lovers must go from my lists of associates so they can not look on the waste of life with pity, or judgment, or sadness, so they don’t get entangled and dragged down with me…. But that’s a lonely path, would I be more content to simply pull them down around me then to be lonely.. I would have to convince them that going down with me, or watching me go down was not worth it…… I’m not ready to be that lonely.

Ill stop time around me and hold everyone in place so they stop moving on, actually everyone around me seems to be busying themselves with point, progressing there lives for the greater good, lol misery loves company , I finally get that quote… I can’t tell if I’m moving backwards and increasing the distance between me and everyone, or if they are moving forwards, its probably a combination of both, but if I could freeze it….

So what if all I wanted to do was blow my mind away with high octane coke? Drift to a beautiful oasis surrounded by tranquility and surrealism in my mind while doing brown sugar? What if I wanted to burn myself out with speed and ice, so that my body seemed in a place far exceeding everyone around me, so I was the best that could be, the best that can be…. What if I wanted to be contented with the everyday mundane pointlessness of life and lose myself to a dulling routine of alcohol and marijuana? What if wanted to make a self portrait of myself on my rental house walls with bits of my skull and gray matter, it wouldn’t matter to anyone save me, and sometimes I think that it’s the way things should be.. extradite yourself from society and the things you love, and the things that love you, isolate yourself so that all your thoughts and actions are your own, with no concerns for other people…


What am I trying to say exactly? If someone asked me of what I thought of life, I wouldn’t know what to tell them… if they asked if I was happy, I’m unsure what I would say, and its that indecisiveness that seems to drag everyone around me down…I mean I’m not suicidal or nothing, and I don’t think I ever will be, I hate it when people think I’m suicidal when they know my belief system would not let me do it lol…. Its just that….Some days just are not worth it, and some are.

LOL! every day presents new problems.. they are beggining to mount!!! ahh man the leaches!!

So Tash got sick and passed out at work on new years eve, stands to reason that Dan stayed home with Tash on new years eve to look after her, also stands to reason that Dan gets sick, but since Dan is back on casual Dan don’t get no sick days. Dan goes to work and feels like crap, Dan gets nothing done because Dan feels like crap, Dan dose not eat because Dan.. feels like crap.
Dan is informed at work by Dan’s manager that Dan’s store is getting a visit from Dan’s manager’s, manager’s, manager will be coming in to inspect the store for stock take… Dan gets sent on lots of silly little jobs that have nothing to do with fixing his section, Dan also gets constantly hounded by customers who his superiors refuse to help disperse… Dan is second call on registers…..
Dan is still sick, Dan would love to spend a day in bed to get better so that he would be able to go out and enjoy Dan’s precious few days off and have some fun because Dan put aside his new years.. Dan would also like to clean the house so that if having fun means people coming over to Dan’s the place is nice and clean and good for people to come do there thing….. instead… Dan has opted to go into Dan’s work unpaid for one day, and fix up Dan’s section, so that Dan does not get into trouble and Dan does not loose his job. Then Dan will sleep, then Dan will go to work….. If Dan had the energy Dan would stab an emo.

I shall not clean!! Ever since the inspection it has become even more apparent that I am the only one who cleans! I don’t make half the mess but I still do it, I do eveyones dishes, I clean the floor the bathrooms…… sigh… I even spent like 18hours cleaning for the house inspection (I am the reason we still can live here…)

I tell you; no more, I’m sick of hearing ‘Its not mine why should I clean it’…. If its your turn to.. just do it! Do you think I used the upstairs toilet and bathroom? No… do you think I used the upstairs hallway? Or that I was responsible for all of the dishes? Huh? Well I tell you no more, I am not cleaning this house until someone else has done it…. Its been almost two weeks since the inspection since I spent an entire weekend cleaning… and to tell the truth… the place is disgusting… but I’m not gonna touch it, ill clean my room and my bathroom… that’s it.

This is a protest, I mean I cannot use most of the house due to the mess, but until someone else does something about it.. I aint budging… so anyone thinking of coming to my house, be prepared for a shock, the place might just be messy…

Damo quote: Ever since the creation of alcohol, people have been drinking it!

Last week I got a call from the course convenor of Intro to English. She wanted to know why I hadn't handed in the first essay. I told her that I was having a lot of trouble with it and kind of had a freak out about it and despite trying for weeks after it was due just didn't get it finished. She then informed me that I had done really well on the second essay and had enough marks to pass the subject without the first essay at all, but it was a requirement that all work be submitted. She was really nice about it and very kindly gave me until the next day to submit something so I could pass. Well, yesterday I got both essays back in the mail. I did indeed do very well on the second one. And it turns out I did really well on the first one too before my late penalty was deducted. So, I did some calculations trying to work out my final grade and (provided my calculations are correct) it looks like I may end up with a Credit. And here's the kicker: If the essay I submitted late had have been submitted on time, I'd be looking at a Distinction. And here I was thinking I didn't understand the subject and was going to fail. This has definitely been a lesson learned. From now on, I'm going to stress less about uni and just do it.

As you can possibly tell I was to lazy to do my own. LOL!

Misconception

I just want to clarify a few things, it would appear that some people miss understood my meanings in my last blog (not you Sam) …. Let me rectify this problem and make my opinion and the point of the last blog clear.


Purely I don’t hate white people, some people think that I was making a comparison of how white and black people are better or worse than each other.. this is not the case, some bad things did happen to me when I was younger…. And overall I don’t blame the race…. Sure those people suck and I didn’t understand what was going on, but I know that there are people of every nationality that would possibly do the same thing to…

Now some people (I’m not going to mention names) read a small portion of it and didn’t even bother to try and understand the meaning of the words put in front of them.. so they took it as a racist rant and decided to become offended for no point at all and rant right back at it with completely confusing antiracism rants that seemed to be… well racially underlined……. It was not a racist rant, I was just pointing out the small irony that some of my friends, or people I know, are slightly racist…. Without good reason, or there reasons are shallow like, an aboriginal yelled at them on a bus, or they saw a movie that portrayed black people in a bad light and they take it to be gospel… and here I am, I’m not going around seeking revenge, I’m not making snide remarks at peoples race (unless of course they start it) and I have a little bit of a reason to be afraid or angry at white people, but I have come to see that it was just one of those things…… I was simply pointing out the ignorance of people..

Meh… but perceive me as you wish, just make sure that if you are going to take offence at my opinion, be sure that you have me in proper context before you take a stand…..

I’m so tiered….
Physically yeah, and also I’m so tiered of this country. Tiered of the fact that It can be so racist but pass everything off as a joke… i.e. Today Tom came in to work and found me in the staff room listening to some soul music…. He commented ‘so you like nigger beats do you?’ obviously thinking himself rather funny for saying it…. I said that nigger beats is a glib interpretation of music founded by African Americans and even then the term is mostly only used by racist white people referring to rap music. He just said ‘whatever man I didn’t mean it like that’…. How many fucking ways is there to mean it….. so yeah basically made me feel like shit and start thinking about racist things that have happened to me….. example.

When I was 5 I had to go stay with my grandfather and his gold digging, crazy ass, psychopath, mail order bride from the Philippines ( you know the one who recently tipped a jug of boiling water on my mother ) and there were some white kids across the road. Before I get any further I must say that this is in Bundaberg. Anyway For some reason these kids got it into their head that I was aboriginal or African or something (I didn’t give them the idea, I was five and my perception of myself was that I was as white as my mother) And every time I would walk out the front of my house without my grandparents they would yell ‘nigger’ and throw shit at me…. Now they were a few years older than me so I couldn’t go over and kick there asses so I did nothing….. one time they even broke one of the windows on my grandfathers house… of course I got blamed for it, and punished pretty bad. I didn’t have any friends up in Bundaberg because all the kids there thought I was a coon or something, but I did have this stray cat, he hung around the place and I fed it and petted it and stuff it was like my only friend there…. I think one of the kids across the road must have seen me with it…. He told his older brother about it… I guess what they did was lure it over with some food or something and they crushed its head… I don’t know must have stomped on it or dropped a brick or something on it… they left it on my grandfathers door step.

Now I know if anyone actually reads this, and your from my country, chances are your white, so you will have to put the shoe on the other foot… if there were some aboriginals across the road from where you were staying, or some Africans or something like that, and they did that to you when you were a kid, would you hate them for it?

I’m to stressed to do anything, like maintain myself, sleep, eat… yeah that’s right I’m having trouble eating me.. strange.. I’m paying to go to the gym but I can’t go cos there are other things I should be doing….. maybe I should take up smoking… No dan that’s what your mother would do…… oh god, burn marks on bench, iron burn in carped upstairs, stains on carpet in Tash’s room, found a small dent in Jays wardrobe…. And this is a new house…. Plus a house inspection gone wrong and a need to clean it and conceal all these things…… my mother penned up with a psycho gold digging woman from the Philippines who pored a jug of boiling water on her, a new job position with added stress and more hours with an inspection from management soon, a girlfriend who I’m concerned I’m not paying enough attention to and depressing, house mates whose lives seem to be falling apart and feel a need to dump all there shit on me and for me to come up with an answer, lack of money………. They all know there is another inspection soon cos of the failed last one…… why is the house getting messier… plus I have to collect money from ppl for rent and internet and shit stupid bills…… none of the bad shit I’m stressing about is really my fault, but that don’t change the fact that It effects me and I can’t do anything about it………. I sit here doing nothing, not able to anything but longing to do things to fix stuff in my life that is so wrong… I have a feeling I’m gonna get fucking crucified for this house black listed and shit. Everyone here can go stay with friends or family or some shit, I got nowhere this is it…..


i don't got the money to go get drunk, besides thats a bad sign if i need to get drunk to deal with stress..... next step will be heroin to help me forget..... fuck!

Rant

What a shit day.

I have spent the last few days cleaning.. house inspection, no big deal.

Today I woke up, (like most days) and went to work, my manager tells me what to do, and what I’m doing wrong, so I start working to rectify whatever it is, but I get swamped by customers, not just one at a time, I’m helping three customers at a time here, and when I’m not doing that, I’m helping the register staff, or doing registers myself, and when not doing that I’m being given more jobs to do by my manager who is looking disapprovingly at me like I’m not getting because well… I’m not. Meanwhile the same fucking gay ass western politically incorrect Christmas carols sung by some retarted horse fucker have been playing over head, on an hour loop, for the last three weeks… that’s 8 hours a day, 38 hours a week, for three weeks… it has been making me want to beat the shit outta customers with a giant candy cane for a few days now.

So as I’m running around (no joke I was running all day and still getting nowhere) doing my things and constantly being hounded by customers that must always be right and outright get aggressive if you don’t do everything they want with the same loop of crappy music going through my head… I hear it the five words I hear so often at work… those words that spew forth from the throbbing biomass of consumers attempting to make light hearted conversation with the employee to get more out of them like they wanna fuck us over for everything we are worth, but be friendly at the same time… “IT MUST BE FREE THEN!” the comment I hear like seven times a day from customers who wanna blame the pricing abilities of degenerates I work with on me, like the wanna say the whole country is fucked cos of me.
So I turn to this person and laugh and comment with “amazing what a witty customer you are, hahahaha, nothing gets past you does it?” in an extremely positive manner “Let me just go get the actual price for you.”
So I go get it for her, then I hear the exact same thing a few minutes later…thus on through the day until I almost snapped the product across my knee and thrust it into the hands of the customer yelling “I GUESS IT IS NOW!!!”

So I get home from work, ready to chill, I knew the inspection was today, but I was cool, I spent like 15 hours over the weekend cleaning, and every night from then till now cleaning… and there’s a note from the real estate saying they are not fucking happy with the place, its better than it was with the last inspection and they had no problem with that! He told me that the place looked like it had never been cleaned, I was looking around, place looked fine, fucker! so he has organized an inspection, this time I am going to do him a presentation, document the hours I spend cleaning, and write him a letter, pictures and everything, and stick it to the door for when he comes next time.. I suppose I screwed up by relying on other people to clean shit, I told them to clean stuff…. And well… I thought they did ok jobs… guess I better do it all this time.

Fucking dick sucking, ass licking, horse fucker!

I believe she grows lonely in my company, though I am short of breath.
Likening that which is longing for is tiring none the less. Unique….

It’s all looking down from here, didn’t clime to far so its comforting to know the fall should be short…by and by, no injuries taken before or after the plummet. Still I stop and think, to gather myself is not the answer maybe some coldness will freshen my thoughts, all a jumble in my head, but words are not my enemies here.

I have none and done none, but have many to be…. But many is a big number and counting is tedious and slow….. Pointless? Yes! But meaningful to me, it will change nothing but looking back I can know that I at least did do….. for no one else will look but me. For them to look would be an invasion of privacy, but still it is sometimes worth the invasion for someone else to share….. or is better to view only yourself so your not on display for people??? Because people are evil, yes even you.

Sort myself out you say? Haha exactly!!! Exactly!!! But unfortunately as easy as you suggested that its easy to loose sight, even for a second…

Fuck I hate these ppl that can go home and sort there shit out, then go back again!! I hate evey stinking person who has a family, that’s pretty much everyone, I hope they loose everyone they are close to just so they can feel what its like to have no one. Despite apparently being close to people, I let them close…. But still nothing, I mean emotionally I get attached to things and people but still I see it as, its not a part of my flesh therefore expendable and not a part of me…

Man I wish this living thing was over so I could look back and say …… ‘yep wasted it, knew it would happen’ instead of sitting here actually wasting my life, that would be so much more productive… what the hell is this shit about? Not in the suicidal point of view of course but more in the like midlife crisis way…… I swear I been going through one for like 3 years……. Makes me want to go live in the forest talk to nothing but possums and wear only tie fishing pants… possibly catch malaria or whatever yay…


Haha… err..ah.

http://www.mauriceland.de/diplomblog/wp-content/camel_spider_sm.jpg

oh god!!! keep them away!

From the corner of my eye I saw my face reflected, and you know, it looked a lot like yours did. And it makes me wonder…. What where you thinking when you did it? Were your thoughts anything like mine? Were you scared? Or excited, I know I would be happy, thinking about it makes me happy…. Mine that is, not yours… don’t know why you would be happy about someone elses… but thinking about it makes me happy. Its the one moment you can be in control of your life… have some direction, what did you think would happen after? Did you care? Did you want to back out? How do you think people would react? I know I can’t ask you this but why? I think I already know, and you were so convinced to, I never could understand it back then, but I’m coming to…… but still the look on your face reminded me of my reflection…… I never thought about you much, but now I do.

I love the rain and how it feels on my skin… to bad I hate the feel of damp cloth and cold… comfort zone? Yes… sigh.

I thought I had out run these feelings, but still they ensue…… I though I had left them behind…. It has been a while…. I used to smile when I thought of it, then I stopped… something else stole my smile….. now its coming back, and when I think of it I smile……. I want to get drunk…. Im talking Hendrix style, choke on your own vomit drunk… pull knifes on your own friends and family drunk, November 11th drunk…. But I know it wont solve anything, If I wake up the next day, the same old things will be there, just worse.

Do you read? Well if you do, and your one of those people who can’t read a book twice, you may understand how I view my life.
You see when I read a book no matter how much I enjoy it I cannot read it again, and I get this overwhelming feeling of sadness that my happy moment has passed, it is so bad that now if I’m 20 pages into a book I start to get sad because I know that soon it will be over. I realized the other day that I view my life in the same manner without realizing it. That ever since I was very small, like 7 years of age, life has been moving to fast, and I know that soon it will be over, all my opportunities, all my happy moments, nothing but sadness.

Sadness, its odd, I think my mind likes me being sad, because ever since I can remember I have been sad, its been the one constant unchanging thing that I can depend on in my life, and its because sadness is an easy emotion, if I want it never has to end or pass me by, because there is always something you can be unhappy about, it always prevails over happiness. In a way I guess its why I sabotage my life, and why I always think things are pointless, and am always so damn sadistic.

Dan life update:
I do gots a new lady in my life, and it does make me happy, but like always I view my life as above and negative thoughts spring up from everywhere I whish my mind would stop it. Besides the point, I broken a couple of my rules by being with her, but the main one is going out with a girl who still seems hung up on prior relationships, or fresh outta a long term one anyway, and she still good friends with him, but she broke it to him that we are together last night, and basically he said he’s hung up on her and wont be able to have anything to do with her anymore because he’s not over her, and she’s really cut up on that, and I was thinking to myself, how much that would suck, and how sorry I was for her that her ex would just do that to there friendship and how that would never happen to me, when ‘BAM’ the exact same thing happens to me!
So i stayed up all last night instead of sleeping thinking about what to do with the whole situation, i feel that it is my fault that im screwing up somones friendship and that if i just was not here or never had been things for people would work out better, im serious here im like a peice thats been thrown into life that don't belong, like i wasn't intended and i'm ment to fit in but things just fuck up when they come into contact with me, i can name about 6 peoples lives that would be much better having never been in contact with me. But thats just crazy talk Daniel, i mean your ment to be here right? not your brother but you.... but still i wonder what he would have done had he been born and not me... sigh.

Meh perhaps I shall try to pay attention to the happy times in life for a change instead of constantly looking at what the future inevitably holds.

Peace

Somone stop her!! omg! why would she do that! i hope she knows im serious when i say i wont talk to her if she does it, and she wont even let me help cos she thinks i will sabotage it, and its true i will, why? cos i really don't like red heads!! no offence to red heads ment, its just a personally opinion.

She takes me to a place inside myself I haven’t been to in a while, that sad/happy place I can’t get to by myself. The place where music once took me, the place I can’t get to without the aid of music, or alcohol, or some other mind altering things. It seems she can take me there too.